A few tidbits of Valentine's Day advice
“Dear Michael,” began a recent anonymous letter I received. “You have the largest collection of single color sweat suits of anyone I know. I once saw you eat 15 bananas and drink 11 cups of coffee in one sitting. Surely, you must have very few difficulties when it comes to the ladies. With Valentine’s Day coming, do you have any advice on how to score a date? Additionally, what are some good date ideas?”
Well, dear reader who I made up in order to set up this column, that’s a darned good question. And, may I add, you have come to the right place. I have personally had several hundred girlfriends, two of whom I have even met offline (with mixed results). So, while I hesitate to use the term “expert” (I prefer the term “Supreme Monarch of Undying Love”), I believe I am qualified to answer your question.
First, let’s get you that date. Unfortunately, this will likely require you to leave the safety of your dorm room and talk to some women. Now, if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably tried this before without success. For the longest time, whenever I tried to talk to women, they would look at me with the same nonplussed expression and ignore everything I said. At first, I assumed that they were not pleased with my passionate spoken word recital of Afroman’s “Colt 45,” but I quickly realized it was something else. These women weren’t ignoring me; I just wasn’t speaking loudly enough.
So, when you approach the subject of your desire (“object of your desire” is a hateful and objectifying term), make sure that you are speaking with enough volume. If people aren’t stopping to stare at you, raise your voice. In my experience, the words coming out of your mouth, and the order in which they do so, don’t matter. Eventually, that lucky lady or fellow will acquiesce so that “you stop making a scene,” but you and I know that it is because you are an attractive, large-voiced, paragon of human virility.
You’ve got that date! Congratulations on getting this far, but now you will have to turn in an impressive first date performance if you hope to continue seeing this person. Colby has a large and exciting dating scene; dinner and a movie will not separate you from the pack. You are going to have to wow your date with pizzazz and panache and several other words from the “P” section of Roget’s Thesaurus. Luckily, you have me.
What’s the perfect first date? A day of skiing in the Swiss Alps followed by tantric massage? A twilit cruise in the Aegean Sea served by chimpanzee butlers? Trick question. There is no perfect date. But you can get pretty close to perfection if you follow my advice. My first piece of advice: arrive late. Several hours late, if possible. This may seem counterintuitive, but your date will think, “gosh, he or she must be very important to leave me standing beside Johnson Pond for three and a half hours in subzero temperatures. That’s very attractive to me.”
One thing that really impresses dates is a sense of adventure. Once you finally do pick him or her up, drive to a thickly wooded spot in a sparsely populated area. Say that you are going to play a trust game and tell your date to put on a blindfold. Then tell him or her to get back to campus. Meanwhile, you can drive back to your room and drink a beer until your date returns. Likely, he or she will be very excited (also, very dehydrated) and aroused.
But do not cave to his or her desperate entreaties, no matter how often the terms “psychotic” and “lawsuit” and “I’ll see you in hell” are used. End the date at that point with a firm handshake and a cheery wink. The wink is a good way of saying either “I am a fun, spirited person” or “I am a creepy, unwashed person sitting at the bus stop.” Both are fine messages.
There you have it; my job is done here. If you follow my instructions carefully, you will soon be on your way to a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship or possibly federal prison.