A special last-chance offer
To our valued students:
As you may be aware Senior Planning Board Inc. has been hard at work conducting market research on how to better satisfy customers of the Last Chance Dance. After extensive survey research in the Dana dormitory, it was discovered that students were upset with the intimacy involved with “hook-ups.” Additionally, students reported dissatisfaction with the lack of transparency with the Last Chance Dance results.
Several Foss case studies, which revealed student dissatisfaction with the event’s lack of intimacy, were found to be erroneous outliers. To improve upon the standard Last Chance Dance system, we have developed a unique, new product, which our Research and Development team has put through extensive field testing. Product testing was centered on tests conducted at Phillips Exeter, Bates College, and the Bob-In Brothel. Based upon these tests, we are proud to unveil the new Last Chance Dance.
The Senior Planning Board Inc. would like to formally announce the following changes, which will take effect Senior Week 2012: First off, we are proud to announce the successful integration of the Last Chance Dance with social media platforms Facebook and Foursquare. For our Facebook integration, users will be provided with six tagged photos per match, and one sentimental, drunken message per six matches. Upon hook-up, Foursquare will automatically check you into the place of your choice. Also, as part of our one-time special Foursquare promotion for the Class of 2012, the student with the most matches will be anointed Mayor of the Blue Light.
Preferred customers may add Instagram to their social media bundle with the use of their Frequent Fornicators Card.
Our second exciting addition to the Last Chance Dance will involve a comprehensive interfacing with the Apple iPhone 5 (pending release). Customers unwilling to converse face to face with their hook-up of choice can simply voice command “flirt insert name”, and a natural language user interface will sext accordingly. The user may choose between three linguistic interfaces: Siri, Sir, or Zir according to her, his, or zer prescribed gender.
For monogamous couples dealing with the stress of the Last Chance Dance, we have designed The Technicolor Black-Out App. It is a multi-colored, flashing light show playable from any iPhone. When coupled with alcohol, the Technicolor Black-Out App is capable of inducing short-term amnesia. Field research for this product was less than extensive. Caution is necessary. Flashing lights mixed with alcohol may induce sleeplessness, nausea, and/or murder spasms.
To satisfy App-gamers, we have designed a Last Chance Dance game. A specially designed App entitled “Angry Nerds” will allow users to view the Top 10 most requested hook-ups, and then catapult them at haphazard structures made of lacrosse sticks, longboards, and solo cups. The game’s high score leaderboard will be live-updated in the hopes that a new Top 10, of video game and App enthusiasts, might get laid.
For those customers who do get matched, iCloud will simulcast any and all sexual contact on up to five Apple products networked with your AppleID—be it your laptop, iPod touch, or home television.
For students without a readily available smart phone, still seeking less personal interactions, there are alternatives. Identity-obscurring coitus masks—specially designed through a joint effort between the Colby Bookstore and Patagonia— will be provided for safe, detached sexual interaction.
It is our honest, and heartfelt hope that we at Senior Planning Board Inc. satisfy all stakeholders with the new and improved Last Chance Dance. It is the end result of laborious, but passionate research. We acted with the same level of devotion to develop our other award-winning products, The Shake Weight, ChatRoulette.com, and Ben Roethlisberger, and we expect similar success.