Looking at some news briefs
There are a few very important things happening in the realm of current events right now. Also, many unimportant things. Far more unimportant things than important things, I’d wager. But the crushing tsunami of minutiae foisted upon you by the media is no excuse to stop paying attention. You must parse through the layers upon layers upon layers of garbage to find the events that truly matter, like Farrah Abraham’s (of Teen Mom fame) Twitter war with Kourtney Kardashian. Fortunately, you will not enter this endeavor alone. In this article, I will break down important current events for your enlightenment, guiding you toward news literacy, much like Gollum did in that movie, 27 Dresses.
The first important news item concerns Herman Cain. Or rather, is about Herman Cain. Nothing truly concerns Herman Cain. An interviewer could, on air, tell Herman Cain that police had recently liberated hundreds of children from his basement and Cain would merely flash those pearly whites and say, “Well sneakers don’t exactly make themselves, do they?” followed by that mellifluous baritone laugh. Anyway, Cain recently announced that he will suspend his campaign, which is the same as dropping out of the race apart from the small convenience that he will still be able to raise and spend campaign money as he wishes. Experts predict that this move will have little effect on Cain’s chances of attaining the presidency.
Important news item number two: the film Immortals was not very good. I should have guessed this, as it featured Mickey Rourke and was not directed by Darren Aronofsky. But I was suckered in by its pitch of “from the producers of 300.” I thought I was in for an entertaining, mindless action film. However, producers do not actually seem to have the same artistic control as, for example, Mr. Howard Hawks used to. The first Wikipedia-listed producer of Immortals is Mark Canton. Other Canton production credits include: The Spiderwick Chronicles and Piranha 3-D. This alone should have kept me away. A highlight from the movie: the pre-battle speech. In good war movies, the speech is emotional, loud, and relevant. This speech, from protagonist Theseus, was loud. It took the form of a list, detailing things that the men should fight for. It began with normal things, like family and country, but kept going and going until the men were fighting for things like “good food at affordable pricing” and “100 percent natural peanut butter.”
Third important news item (by now, you might guess that I do not know what the word “important” means) is about Newt Gingrich. Really, it is. But I just can’t bring myself to care about Newt Gingrich. So instead, I want to let you all know that Donald Trump is moderating his own little debate for the Republican presidential candidates. I don’t have a joke for that. Donald Trump is playing the role of “moderator” and that will do just fine.