People have different tastes in music than I do?
Like most of you, it takes a lot to make me fall into an emotional fit and cry hysterically into my pillow. Yet this is how I’ve gone to bed every night for the past several weeks. Why? How could I, the ultimate man’s man, be so torn apart? I will tell you, friends. It started innocently enough at a lunchtime conversation. I began speaking about Busta Rhymes, who is the greatest musician of all time. Without warning, one of my friends stated that while he liked Busta Rhymes, he preferred the music of Kanye West. I did what any rational person would do upon hearing such a ridiculous sentiment uttered: I stood up, flipped the table over and ran screaming from the dining hall.
I am not so naïve as to believe that Busta Rhymes is the only musician. I am just saying that he is the best musician. What qualifies me to say this? Friends, it is time for me to make a confession. I don’t tell this to everyone, but I feel like I have known you long enough. I was born with a certain mutation in my DNA that allows me to form opinions at a level higher than any other human. It is an extremely rare condition (I am the only documented case), and I normally keep it concealed. But it is important that you know I am not just blowing smoke when I say Busta Rhymes is the best musician ever.
According to top Opinionologists, opinions are formed in the “opinionary lobe” of the brain (named after its discoverer, Steven Opinionary). The average person’s opinionary lobe forms opinions with a 30 percent accuracy rate. What’s my accuracy rate, you ask? Two-hundred percent. Think that’s impossible? Stop letting your tiny opinionary lobe do your thinking; it’s embarrassing. But back to whatever it was I was talking about. I am absolutely correct in stating that Busta Rhymes is the best musician ever, which makes any person who thinks otherwise wrong.
And yet such people stubbornly choose to continue existing. It seems that everywhere I turn, there is a person whose favorite artist is not Busta Rhymes. And even among these dolts, there is disagreement. Some prefer the Baha Men, some prefer the Backstreet Boys and some prefer Justin Bieber. I haven’t personally counted, but I suspect there to be over 50 musicians and bands who are not Busta Rhymes.
For example, this past weekend the Dropkick Murphys performed. While I respect that they try to make music, they are most certainly not Busta Rhymes and thus not worthy of my time. Where does SPB get off, planning a fall concert with a band that does not exactly suit my tastes? I don’t want to say anything I might regret, but it almost feels like SPB did not even think of my opinions when they chose which band would perform. I don’t often admit defeat (I never admit defeat), but for once, I am stumped. I hope one day to discover where these people find the nerve to have opinions different from my own.