A few weeks ago, I was reading this newspaper when I came across a rather interesting article about a recent meeting of our Student Government Association (SGA). It was mostly about dorm damage or something, but at the end there was a small bit about the student handbook. Said the article: “The student handbook is currently accessible online, but SGA members agree that it is difficult for students to find. It has also been alleged that the handbook’s content is out of date.” This news, by itself, was disheartening, but I wanted to find out just how out of date the handbook is. I put on my investigative journalist hat (it is red, blue, yellow, and green and has a propeller on top) and hit the archives.

The SGA was not joking when they said it was hard to find, but I eventually found the handbook in the catacombs beneath Miller Library. Sitting on a pedestal and, oddly, in a ray of light, the handbook was bound in lambskin and printed on brittle vellum. The pages began to deteriorate as soon as I touched them, but I was able to record some of the rules of the handbook to show you old it is. Here they are:

Statement of Purpose

This institution, having been created with the intent of building fine and dutiful citizens, shall adhere strictly to the ideals laid down in President Van Buren’s inaugural address. Our sundry areas of academic study, to include Arithmetic, Agriculture, Classical studies, Cryptozoology, Literature, Phrenology, and Theology, shall work in concert to produce responsible citizens who shall be fastidious in their personal affairs and vigilant in their watch of the Canadian Menace.

Concerning Payment

Students, in order to enjoy full benefits of enrolment, must render unto the Bureau of Payments, Monies, and Fines full payment within five full days before the commencement of each semester. Full payment shall consist of one of the following: twenty gold coins, thirty three chickens, two head of cattle, one prize hog, or three barrels of ale.

Concerning Sustenance

To maintain his hale and hearty constitution throughout the bitter cold of winter, each student shall eat three meals each day from the grand pot of stew proffered by the college kitchen. The stew shall consist of barley, leeks, and, when budget permits, one meat.

Concerning Matters of Discipline

Any student found in violation of the school’s honour code shall be forced to ride his horse backwards for one fortnight. Additional violations will result in the removal of corners from the standard issue tri-corner hat. Private disputes between students and students, faculty and students, and faculty and faculty shall be settled on the field of honor.

Concerning the Imbibing of Spirits, Liquors and Ales

Due to the unclean nature of water in the region, students shall only drink beverages with a satisfactory level of alcohol.

Friends, I am no historian. But it seems that our student handbook could be due for a revision. Some of these passages seem to have been written as early as the 1980s. Please contact your SGA representative and tell them you are in favor of handbook reform.