Stop Shia LaBeouf
Friends, I owe you an apology. I realize that many of you depend on my weekly column for insightful political and social commentary. I realize that, during an age in which the newspaper is becoming increasingly irrelevant, my column may be the only thing you read each week.
Maybe you don"t even read it. Maybe you just stare at it and grunt appreciatively while gesturing wildly to the people sitting near you. Regardless, I feel that I have let you down. In a few of my past articles, I have dropped my tone of journalistic professionalism in order to make cheap, juvenile jokes. Permit me to offer my sincerest apologies.
I realize that I have a serious responsibility to lucidly explain the day"s issues to the masses. With that in mind, I will today be addressing a subject that is very important to me. Namely, why is Shia LaBeouf trying to destroy everything I love? I refer most specifically to the "Indiana Jones" and "Transformers" franchises. As a child, I enjoyed nothing more than sitting down in my personal home theater, getting a foot massage from my manservant Alberto, and watching "Transformers" each Saturday morning. Mr. LaBeouf has forever tarnished my memories of those days.
Don"t get me wrong, I have nothing against Shia LaBeouf as a person. I merely dislike his appearance, mannerisms, personality, voice, and lifestyle choices. Also, I dislike him as a person. At this point, you"re probably saying to yourself: "But Michael, you handsome devil, there are literally thousands of people you dislike. What makes Shia LaBeouf stand out?" Good question. It wouldn"t be so bad if Mr. LaBeouf didn"t insist on starring in sequels of classic movies. Or any movies. In fact, if Shia LaBeouf were completely out of the public eye and worked as a construction worker, then maybe I wouldn"t have any problem with him, because I would not know that he existed.
But unfortunately, he does exist, and he is intent on destroying all that is good and just in the world. I speak, of course, of the "Indiana Jones" series. Indiana Jones is a man"s man with the charisma of a golden retriever combined with Robert Downey Jr. Shia LaBeouf attempts to portray the son of Indiana Jones, yet he is, by all accounts, an awkward man-baby with all the charm of a hefty bag full of dead mice and vomit. Of course, the fourth film in the series had other problems, but I could write books about that (In fact, I am).
But the last straw came with the release of "Wall Street 2". I remember, back in 1987, watching the first "Wall Street" in theaters. Not once during the screening did I think to myself that the movie would be greatly improved by the presence of a whiny, fast-talking man-rat. Friends, this is reaching crisis level. If someone doesn"t stop this man, we could be looking at a future of LaBeouf-only sequels, where Hollywood releases movies for the sole purpose of making me sad.