The Evolving Average Dude
Ms. Hedayet, I would like to sincerely thank you for your opinion pieces, "Style, Men and Those Awful Pink Shorts They Wear" and "College Boys and Other Myths." With you sagacious advice, I am confident that this weekend I will finally be able to separate myself from the legions of mindless "average dudes" at Colby.
The first step I took was to throw out my entire wardrobe. My mom had just sent me some nice new button downs from Polo and Joseph Banks, but let's just say those didn't make it past the trash can in Eustis.
You didn't really offer any concrete suggestions about what you liked, you just derided anything pastel. So, instead of those nice calming colors that match my eyes, I went in the opposite direction and surfed on edhardyshop.com to pick out some nice new graphic tees with the shiniest, least calming logos they have.
I liked your advice about showing off my shoulders and forearms, so once those Ed Hardy shirts arrived, I promptly tore off all the sleeves and spent hours custom tailoring the shirts to accentuate my v-shape and prominently display my sinewy shoulder muscles.
Next, I flipped through every issue of GQ from the past year and cut out pictures of all my favorite haircuts. My friend Todd thinks he can really Europeanize my hair to set me apart from the average dudes and their bowl cuts.
Lately, I have also been doing my best to adjust my personality so that I can be more like the ideal men you describe in your articles. I had no idea girls didn't want to see my beer gut or hear my "your mom jokes," so I have since cancelled my subscription to receive five your mom jokes via text message every day. All this time, I thought that was what girls really wanted. Now I can use those extra $5 a month to learn how to do something different than all the average dudes who are just dancing and telling girls about their boring spring break service trips. Maybe I'll buy some balls and learn to juggle - that's creative and talented. Next time I'm at a party and a girl asks me to pass her a natty light, I will respond "sure you can have a Natty Light, and I can juggle three natty lights" (fact: girls have a subconscious and automatic response to juggling).
I'm also planning to hit girls where it hurts the most: the nose. I recently invested in all 12 Old Spice body wash scents and mixed them together in one giant vat to create the ultimate pleasure for the female olfactory sense. The scent I've acquired is so potent that it has completely drowned out the Yankee candles and potpourri I had in my room, but who cares-those were too boring and average for a Greek God in the making like me. I'm going to leave all those suckers wearing their subtle Polo Blue scent in the dust.
Look, I'm fine being a slab of meat, as long as it means I'm turning a few extra glances from some of Colby's finer female carnivores. Good luck resisting me this weekend, ladies. This average dude has evolved.