Unmatched Summer Job Advice
I'm afraid I have some startling news for you all. At first I refused to believe it, but after consulting my astrolabe, there seems to be no alternative. That's right, friends: summer is coming. While summer certainly has its perks-beautiful weather, longer days, the relaxation of standards against wearing very few clothes in public-there are also some downsides. Chief among these: the summer job. A good friend has informed me that not all of us choose to accept paid internships with our father's senatorial office with three weeks vacation (also paid), so I have taken upon myself the enormous burden of providing those few with some pointers.
First, you must assess why you want a summer job. Some people want a job that will look good on a resume, while others are just looking to make cash so that they will have enough pocket money to spend on spa meals and cocaine. I've also been told that there are some fools out there who still believe it is possible to get a job that both pays well and builds your resume. I don't want to sound like a cynic, but these people need to open their eyes and realize that such jobs don't actually exist, and that they will in fact spend the rest of their lives working a job they hate for pennies until one day they get fired and come home to find that their wife has left them for the guy who does their lawn.
The best way to get a job that will look good on your resume is through connections. You should try to have as many connections as possible, either through your father's political friends or through your uncle's Wall Street friends. If you do not possess such connections, disregard this section-it is irrelevant to you. As a general rule though, it is always a good idea to stride into the business where you desire employment and forcefully shout: "Hello! I am an upper-class liberal arts educated 20-year old, and I believe that I could pull your simple, pedestrian business out of its rut with my five semesters of economics classes."
But once in a great while, such approaches do not work, and the potential employer does not immediately give you a job. If this happens, you may need to go through the interview process. Interviews are a great way to show your future employer what an intelligent, cooperative, muscular person you are. But interviews can also go terribly wrong; it is up to you to make sure you make a good impression.
As soon as you walk in the door, the interviewer will be sizing you up. That is why your attire is of utmost importance. You may have heard that it is acceptable to wear business casual attire to interviews. This is a lie. For men, I would recommend a three-piece gray or black suit. I realize that the issue of interview clothing is a bit harder for my women readers as there are many more options. For women then, I would recommend a three-piece gray or black suit. Your tie is the one place where you can show off your personality a bit. I like to wear a tie depicting my favorite Pokemon characters, or perhaps a polka dot bow tie.
There are those who-adorably enough-get nervous before job interviews. If you fall under this category, make sure that you don't consume anything that will make you jittery, like coffee or chocolate. If nerves are a big problem, I recommend doing something to help you relax before the interview, like snorting Ketamine.
Lastly, I have received many questions regarding something called a "resume." I've never used one, but apparently it's some sort of paper or music video you make to tell people about your job experience. Some people will try to tell you that your resume is extremely important and that it may be an employer's first chance to form an impression of you. These people are terrorists. Do not feel pressured to make a resume; it is a waste of time. The best way to show off your job experience is through repeated phone calls at all hours of the day. Employers appreciate persistence; don't stop calling until you get a job offer or a restraining order.