NFL Predictions: Herrmann gives fearless insight for season
With football season just getting underway, it seems that everyone and their mother has offered predictions for who will make the playoffs and win the Super Bowl this season. This, in my mind, is a seemingly futile exercise, as it is one of the bizarre laws of probability that the more people predict a team will do well, the less likely it is that the team will actually do well. So, I generally fail in this sort of prediction--if the experts on ESPN who spend their entire lives studying football cannot get it right, what hope do I have?
Luckily there is more to football than just who wins or loses; there is always a lot to talk about. From injuries, to players being idiots, to making fun of the Detroit Lions, football season always has a ton of talking points. And it is in those talking points that I have a gift of fantastic insight, a sixth sense, shall we say. Now, I would love to share that gift with you all, and I am happy to offer Todd Herrmann's fearless predictions for the 2009 football season.
Michael Crabtree: As a Niners fan, I HATE Michael Crabtree. However, I can take solace in what history says will happen to him in the future. Look at the last two high profile players to take a gap year between college and pro football...Mike Williams and Maurice Clarett. Williams managed to eat himself out of the league; a steady diet of doughnuts left him with a physique that could not quite cut it in the NFL. Clarett, meanwhile, is currently serving a sentence of up to seven-and-a-half years at the Toledo Correctional Institution in Ohio (as a result of being pulled over with an AK-47, a samurai sword and an open bottle of Grey Goose in his car, all while under investigation for armed robbery). This season, Crabtree will end up fat and in jail, and I'll sit back laughing as he gets what he deserves.
Brett Favre: The seemingly endless un-un-un-retirement saga will finally reach its conclusion. Favre will have his Vikings atop the NFC North until they meet the Bears in week 12. Favre will break his hip mid-game, and finally have to retire from football and move on to his new calling, as a salesman for Rogaine and Life Alert, and a spokesperson for life insurance from the AARP.
Plaxico Burress: Burress will win the Most Valuable Player award in the New York State Penal League, leading the league in receiving yards, touchdowns and self-inflicted gunshot wounds.
Michael Vick: Defenses in the NFC East will not be able to contain the offense of the Eagles when Vick, Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook are all on the field. However, Vick will not be able to counter the angry mob of PETA activists who will amazingly materialize on the goal line every time he touches the ball.
Detroit Lions: The Lions, who made NFL history last year by finishing 0-16, will again have a season for the record books. They will manage to finish 0-18, actually losing two more games than they actually play, in a feat that will leave statisticians, mathematicians and physicists all puzzled.
Adrian Peterson: Peterson will put up jaw dropping numbers this year, amazing spectators and disappointing his former teachers, as his total number of touchdowns will be higher than his IQ.
Now...time for the real (and in all likelihood, incorrect) predictions. In the NFC, the Niners, Saints, Cowboys and Packers will win their divisions, while the Eagles and Giants will get the wild card spots. In the AFC, the Chargers, Colts, Ravens and Patriots will win their divisions, with the Steelers and Texans (yes, those Texans) grabbing the wild cards. Aaron Rodgers will lead his Packers to a 24-17 victory over the Chargers in Super Bowl XLIV.